the archetyple brass band

04knightg · the archetyple brass band

The Archetypal Brass Band

1 Eb Soprano cornet
Too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band

1 Principal cornet
Conceited - uses too much vibrato

1 "Second man down" or "bumper upper" (cornet)
Either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero-worships the principal

1 "Third man down" (cornet)
Loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse

1 "Fourth man down" (cornet)
Like third man down, only louder and thicker

1 Repiano cornet
Waiting for a chance to play principal

2 2nd cornets
Hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C

2 3rd cornets
Loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G

1 Flugelhorn
Plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn

1 Solo horn
Usually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player

2 Tenor horns
Can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead

1 1st Baritone
Useless player, out of tune all the time

1 2nd Baritone
Even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried

2 Euphoniums
Show-off and trainee show-off

1 1st trombone
Steam driven. Rasps most of the time

1 2nd trombone
Sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo

1 Bass trombone
Chainsaw with vibrato

2 Eb basses
Look like two drunken farts

2 Bb basses
Sound like two drunken farts

Percussion
Have lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm

Conductor
So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good

Errol

Very interesting but........

04knightg

I found it on a different website.
is it just me, or is this actually true for nearly every brass band?
I am in quite a few, and think that the "chainsaw with vibrato" is very apt for the bass trombone!
the only one I disagree with is the "2 Eb basses: Look like two drunken farts"
this should read :"2 Eb basses; look, sound and smell like drunken farts (quite often ARE drunken farts)"
this would be more correct.

MrJpig

OY...I resemble that !!

MrJpig

Errol

So, Mr Jpig going on the last two posts,its a musial joke and you resemble it. Enough said then really......

MrJpig

Merry Christmas Errol...keep smiling mate

Errol

And You MrJpig.

Wee Mac

Kratos

bootybandy

I much prefer Skiing on a Sunday

Errol

Its better on snow BB.

RAB

bootybandy

Don't take it to heart Rab, I'm sure he didn't know you personally and was being generic in his slight on the Bass players.

Mr Bass Trombone

Nothing personal but remember that some of our bestest brass players have home grown brass band roots, I actually turned down one of the top one's and signed on for my pensh in the 70s, no regrets though.

RAB

Mr Bass Trombone

Bit further North mucker than Bettshanger, who did make the Nationals at some time though, under the Wee Prof Walter Hargreaves(RiP) Appy Kin Hogmany.

Pusser

That'll be B&R then, yes? The band that recorded an arrangement of Russlan and Ludmilla said to be 'impossible' for a brass band to play. WH conducting.

Anyone remember the J Wing Brass Band Club? Rigged up every Monday in East Barracks Bandroom? Just for fun, of course, but I recall the moment's silence after a 'concert performance' of Les Preludes just before Wally said, "Black Dyke Mills? You're in trouble!"

Bilvers

admin

A 'show' brass band would be good but we would need to use the very best to be any good! If a few of the old and bold could be recalled it would be a serious contender. Imagine how the bar profits would go up!

RAB

mahler1

I remember the concert they did in the concert hall and after it was over, two old ladies who sat behind me, made the comment ' Pity they where not in uniform it would have been better',still it was a cracking concert, a pity that the powers to be did not see the real potential that was there, also it was the first time I ever heard a brassband without the horrible cornet vib and, I do believe the Wee Jock was right they where good enough to take on the best.