[FFoglamp]

Hi forummers !

Well there are still 10 in there, starving, waiting for Botty's poem and piccy.

The 10 members in here can vent their spleeen today on here, as its also the diary room. So, come on you lot, come and bitch on your oppos, you know its confidential.

We will soon be eliminating members, so I need you to post on here to say why you should be kept in, and what your biggest attributes are !

The team will be in today (hopefully) - Deli with Celebrity Hat Box, and Hornblower and Mr J Pig monitoring the sausages.

Today's vote was suggested by Townsergeant.

Who would you like to see in the jungle shower ? Vote now !

Perhaps you would like to see the young Vic Shaw, or the lovely Green Fairy ? Maybe your thing is for the bulging muscles of Pompey Rich, or the polished ar$e of an Aardvark.

Its a tough one to decide, but don't forget. it could also be Rab bending over. So, choose carefully. VOTE NOW.

L8ters FF

[FFoglamp]

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh !!! 2 votes already, and only been open for 15 mins. Aaron Aardvark leading on the early showing. Perhaps this is the identity unveiling ?

[Aaron Aardvark]

[MrJpig]

Well the tension is mounting here at the camp....will botty be a pro at the prose......will we find out who has AA`s a`as in their bed and will his identity be uncovered for all to see? keep voting cos its your votes that decide.

I will be interested to see how BOTTY can put his poem onto a locked thread???

I am also a bit concerned about one of our presenters as he was last seen heading to the creek with a pair of violet nix in his dhoby bucket and practising his royal bow !!

Catch y`all later or as they say in these parts...YIBERDEEYABERDEE!!

[RAB]

..ME..??? In a SHOWER..????..Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

After last night's escapade with that dung heap (not you LES), I need more than a bloody shower..!!!! Les might not be so tall, but he is a gasping great 18 stones of pure Pussers, and boy when he farts there's no mistaking his preferential tipple.. So I'll just settle for a nice long soak in a jaccuzi bath with candles all around, and of course Army of the Nile playing in the background (pipe band version of course)..

NOW WHERE'S BOTTY...????? I'M KIN STARVING IN HERE...!!!!!

[mrbassbone]

Green Fairy is the one. Do your really want to see Aaron in the shower at ANY TIME of the day?

[Aaron Aardvark]

Im hungry!! Botty has gone awol. And where the hell was the hatbox?

[A]

Poo in his bed til he does his Bushtucker Trial!

[Aaron Aardvark]

Lets all poo in his bed!!! Thing is......i haven't got any poo left I have managed to find a sneaky termite mound over by the lagoon. Your welcome to share if you can hack the little buggers biting your waggly thing at the back of yer throat.

[A]

Um, thanks, but I'll pass. I appreciate your generosity though! Why don't we just dump the poo you left in MY pit into Bottys?

[Aaron Aardvark]

Good idea.......it should be nice and ripe now.
Anyway........I have just seen something very disturbing. Les was having a furious row with Rab. Turns out, Rab stole one of Les's socks and Les wasn't very happy because his other one was all crusty and he needed a fresh one. Cant think what all the fuss is over. Why just argue over one sock

[FFoglamp]

Les will probably be happy with one sock. Why do you need a second one at night time anyway ? Waaaahh.

Anyway, my colleague Dec...... errr....... Stuey the Hornblower, can't make it today, he got a tummy bug. Too many burnt cold sausages he picked up in the jungle.

But, Deli, and Mr J pig will no doubt be dropping in today, to keep an eye on the little starving junglies.

Firtstly, keep those votes coming in !!!! We need to know who you want to see in the jungle shower !!!! Voting closes tonight around ISH time ?

Aaron Aardvark still in front by a nose. Mind you it is a very long nose.

Right contestants, we have some delicious meals prepared here for you
just waiting to crane in to you. But, where are the stars.

Where are you BOTTY ?

We desperately need your poem and picture with a sausage. Otherwise your bed will be the biggest aard dung heap this side of Merthyr.

Anyway, stay tuned, a challenge coming soon ....................

[admin]

**************NEWSFLASH***************
Today is pirate day in camp. All of the contestants are dressed as Pirates and Botty has taken the extreme step of chopping off half his left leg with a toothbrush to give him that authentic look. Not realising there weren’t any wooden legs in the kit supplied he is currently using the chopping board as a wooden leg.
The task is about to begin and the two selected are… drum roll… more roll… crescendo… tishhhhhhhh GF and A!
Quickly sorting themselves out they head off into the jungle following the pirate map carrying a huge nautical compass between them on a heading of Nor’nor’east at full bimble. The binnacle weighs a lot: in pounds it would be some and in kilogram’s it is a lot but they can just about cope with it. Huffing and puffing they head up the steep incline of the hill… a big hill, much bigger than Harry Hill (as he is a comedian and a short one at that) or Benny Hill or Butser Hill. Upwards and onwards they huff and puff, with the binnacle compass type thing getting heavier by the second as their arms tire and feet ache as they make their way through the jungle.
GF: Oh look, a skull and cross bones
A: Where?
GF: There! At the top of the hill

The two drop the heavy binnacle and walk toward the flag. There they meet our two suave and charming hosts.
FF: Hello and welcome to this task
HB: We’ve called it walking the plank

The two volley dollies see a long plank sticking out over the edge of a cliff with stars hanging from underneath it. Their face change into looks of horror as they realise just how high up they are.
GF: We’re not good with heights
FF: We know, that’s why we chose the pair of you
HB: Your task is to walk along the plank and get the hatbox that is hanging from that branch on a rope. You’ll be wearing a harness and if you fall off you will be lowered down and have to walk the long way back to camp
FF: and it is a LONG way back to camp going this way
A: I’ll go first, I don’t fancy trying to get the last one off the end
FF: Don’t worry too much, you’ll be wearing these eye patches, two each!
HB: And if you are worried about being dizzy, you’ll spend 3 minutes on this roundabout before you go try getting the hatbox from the end of the plank!

GF & A get put on the roundabout and it starts spinning .GF & A are then let off the roundabout and both are very dizzy (Yes, nothing new there is there!) GF begins crawling along the plank with A in close pursuit. Feeling their way along and wobbling from side to side they slowly crawl to the end of the plank.
HB: OK girls, you are now at the end of the plank. You must stand up and get the hatbox that is hanging in front of you.
As the girls stand up they are swaying from side to side. GF reaches up to grab the hatbox and touches it with her fingertips and starts it swinging. Ffoggy gently tugs on the rope to hoist it another inch higher.
FF: I think you are going to have to bounce a bit to get the box
The 2 girls begin to bounce the plank up and down, tapping the box from time to time they make it swing wildly. Each time they get close Ffoggy hoists the hatbox up another inch (Rotten? Yes, Funny? You bet!!)
HB: OK girls you have ten seconds left.
The two girls now look like springboard diving pirates who are very drunk.
HB: five seconds
The girls make one last jump and grab the hatbox. As they hit the plank Hornblower does what his name says and gives them a full on airhorn 3 inches from their ears! The two fly forward into the abyss in front of them
FF: Sorry girls he shouts as they fall the 2oo feet to the jungle floor below. “Looks like it is the long way home for you two
HB: How long is long FFoggy?
FF: Should be about a week!
HB: A week?
FF: Yes, if they run but it won’t do them much good cos the ice cream in the hatbox will have melted by then!

[FFoglamp]

Yes Greenfairy and A are missing. Perhaps they will fight their way back to the camp sometime, oooh arrrr Jim lad !

.........and to think all the time they were grabbing for the hat box, there were some stars hanging underneath.

Keep voting for the shower thingy, and who you want to see under it.
8 to choose from, now 2 are AWOL !!!

Episode 1 may be locked, but here is the place to be, to dump your mutterings.....................especially if your name is BOTTY.

Still awaiting a poem, and a piccy.............and swap sausages for stars for meals.

And for the contestants whinges.............go to the diary room.

[FFoglamp]

I think Botty escaped from the jungle for a few hours to go to Fratton Park. Perhaps he'll come back and reveal all later. Meanwhile Aaron Aardvark leads the voting from Greenfairy in 2nd.

Mind you GF can't win if she's AWOL !

[FFoglamp]

Still no news from Botty, and not a pussers egg on a rope in sight for the troops ?

Oh well. The morale is still there just. Just flick over to the diary room, and applause to the the contestants who've posted there.

With Botty AWOL as well as the other 2, only 7 left to starve. Hang on in there.

Votes for jungle shower close, sort of very soon ish, still Aa winning !!!

Back to the hotel for me and some beer !

[bootybandy]

An Ode
The Drum Major is a graceful chap,
He stands there tall and proud.
His eyes are misting over
As he shrieks out long and loud.

What did you do with that Sausage Jones
He said with a quiver in his voice.
I inserted it in your rectum Dan
You did not have a choice.

Dan reached round and grabbed his ring
And felt his seared ar$e
It wasn’t a pretty sight lads
but they all raised a glass

A big guffaw spread fast and loud
From the assembled men around
Dan was hopping mightily mad
Whilst Jones did hid in the crowd

The screams were heard in Ruislip
And even Chalfont St Giles
Now Dan walks very gingerly
And does suffer from those piles.

[admin]

****************NEWSFLASH******************
Today is another day, GF & A have been lost in the jungle and last seen passing the large bushy top tree near the reentry by the spur. They have a grid reference but hopefully it will be cleared up with some tablets and some cream by the time they get back.
The next hatbox pair are about ready to leave. Suitable dressed in their fetching pink lycra leotards and Wellington boots Pumpey and Zed are looking quite dapper. Sadly Pumpy’s leotard is a tad small as it was intended for GF but he’s in it… well, almost in it! Not designed as a thong back it does look a bit silly now.
They have been pointed in the right direction and are off up the track to the top of the hill.
PR: Oh this leotard is chaffing, what is good for chaffing Zed?
Z: Friction
PR: No I mean what is good to stop chaffing?
Z: Stop the friction
PR: Should I let the shoulders on this leotard down a bit?
Z: Rich, they are supposed to be shorts, you have the bit that is supposed to go on your hips on your shoulders. If I were you, I’d wear them as shorts.
Pumpey pulled the bits off his shoulders and adjusted the family jewels…
PR: Oh, that’s better, was playing havoc with me farmers that thong back!

The pair head up the hill and see the hatbox hanging from a tree just out of finger reach if Z sits on pumpey’s shoulders with the key a little bit higher and further out on another branch.
Z: Rich, go get those barrels and that plank and bring them over here.
PR: Who made you the boss?
Z: Considering you were the one wearing the thongs I think it goes without saying who’s in charge, don’t you. Now do as I say.

Pumpey sulked off and picked up the plank and barrels walking them back over to the area.
Z: Now, make a see-saw and put that barrel the other end. I’m going to stand on the plank, you climb on the barrel and jump on the end of the plank. I’ll shoot up, grab the hatbox and then we can do the same thing for the key. Zed stood on the plank and told Rich to mount the barrel. Rich smiled and winked at Zed
Z: Rich, don’t do that to the barrel, we don’t have time, just stand on it like I said.
PR: Sorry, I thought you meant MOUNT the barrel.
Rich pulled his bulk onto the barrel as Zed looked up at the hatbox.
Z: OK Rich, on three I want you to jump OK?
PR: Is that on three or after three?
Z: I say one, two, three and then you jump OK
PR: So I jump after three and not on three then?
Z: Rich just bloody hump will you!
With a deep breath Rich launched himself into the air, bent his legs
Z: NOOO, I’m not
and as he started his descent stamped as hard as he could on the plank
Z: Readyyyyyyyyyyy
screamed Zed flying upwards at the speed of a 3 badger finding the bar is free and there isn’t a queue.
Zed headed up, hit the hatbox sending it flying, the branch with the key on snapped on Z’s head as did more as she sailed upwards and onwards toward the canopy of the trees. Branches snapped and rained down on Pumpey as he looked up in amazement of Z’s speed and height. “Oh, she’s faster than I can play the alert and higher than a top G!” Zed felt the feeling of weightlessness as she began her descent. Falling rapidly through unbroken branches she felt a sharp tug on her shoulders as her leotard snagged on a branch.
Z: Yeeeeeowwwwww
She screamed as the shoulders of her leotard acted as a bungy but started to slow her descent.
With a twang, the branch snapped and Z headed back down. Toward the plank. Hitting the other end of the plank at a fair old rate of knots. Pumpey’s end of the plank headed upward and connected with his groin just before Z hit the floor thereby breaking her fall.
PR: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh me nads!
Picking herself, the hatbox and key up, Zed went over to see Rich, now curled up on the floor with tears streaming down his face.
Z: I’ve got some cream in the first aid kit that you can rub in that chaffing but you have to try and get back to the camp.
The two made their way back to camp, Zed walking and Rich bent double bumping into trees…

Once back at the camp they opened the hatbox.
On top of the package was a note from Mr Bass Trombone
“Hi guys, I hope you like the present… Mick AKA Mr Bass Trombone”
Reaching into the hatbox Aaron pulled out 10 bottles of San Miguel and a stuffed Donkey

[FFoglamp]

Hi viewers, latest news !!!!

GF and A still AWOL ?

10 bottles of San Mig Well done Zed n Pimpy, but who gets the stuffed Donkey ?

........................and wait for it ...............

Botty put his poem in, and with all 3 key words....and he has said hello to Dan n Norm !

So, BIG UP to Botty

The poem was excellent, but still no piccy of him with a sausage, bit of a tall order that one. But, hey I'm generous. I'll award him 8 stars.

Thats 8 meals, and as 2 are away filming an episode of LOST, everyone in camp can eat.

So, every one thank Botty. !!!

Now, its last orders for the vote. I'll be in the camp in 5 to announce who does the jungle shower.

Meanwhile, anyone seen a pair of violet knickers ?

[FFoglamp]

VOTING CLOSED !

Ok Forummers in t'jungle. The other members have voted for one of you to be seen in the JUNGLE SHOWER.

Les Bryan............its not you.

Vic Shaw...............it might be you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pompey Rich................its not you.

Rab............you will be pleased to know we don't want to see you bending over........well not yet anyway.

Geeky Girl..........its not you

Botty and Zed...not you either.

Aaron Aardvark..............it might be you !

............and its.............


















AARON AARDVARK








Yes ! Your task is to produce a picture of you, scantilly clad - ish, in the shower...........or nearest equivalent for aardvark dhobi routine.

Dependent on speed and quality of said piccy, you will get 1-10 stars. This means you can eat again.

(nothing Golden mentioned here)



Now, its time to move on to a new thread to start a new poll.
This will be episode 3.

However, we won't lock this thread yet, as you may wish to further comment.

So, now you can read episode 1, 2 and 3, plus the diary room for all the intimate secrets.

So, come on Les, get in the diary room, I know its getting too emotional for you. No tigers in this jungle but, hope the San Mig helped !

Anyone seen GF and A ?

or a pair of violet knickers?

See you in episode 3

[Aaron Aardvark]

Where's the shower then........and it had better not be a golden one!!!

[FFoglamp]

WOW !!!!! Straight in. (No rolls).

Aaron, that shower cap ? I thought that was a pair of violet knickers adapted for a moment.

Ok, Ok. Thats how you do it, Botty. No messing.

I think i'm going to have to award 10 meals for that.

Well done.

Coming up in episode 3 will be your 10 menu items. This will be 10 separate meals, you will have to fight for them amongst yourselves. Don't get greedy, save 2 for A and Greenfairy, they may be stumbling back as we speak.

[RAB]

..Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.. A Sun Tanned Aardvark, so quick on the draw that even Hercules himself might be confuffled....

This is so amusing, I'm thinking of selling my TV....

fcuk Off silly serious people who think life is all sickness and trauma...

[Pompey Rich]

YOU ARE ALL LOONIES AND I FOR ONE AM IN ABSOLUTE STITCHES

PS Aaron. I think the shower gear is horny. Where can I buy Mrs Pumpey some for christmas?

[admin]

Locked