BARRIBALL!!!!!

General Melchett · BARRIBALL!!!!!

Now, we can't have an RM Band Forum without some classic Richard Barriball dits. He is Scotland Bands and FOSNI's "mascot" and is a walking purveyor of destruction and ill thought through one liners. The Band Services answer to McAuslan!

General Melchett

I'll do the first one then.............

Painted Hall Greenwich 1992, Fleet Bands weekly dinner gig. A smally orch led by Pete Best and a nine piece. Richy "B" on keyboards.
The orch set up in the normal upstairs position. Everything starts badly, during Roast Beef the keyboard X stand not being secured properly collapses, sending the keyboard across the deck with an almighty crash. Diners look around, Pete Best bites tongue.... Barriball told to put it all back, this time checking it is secure..... Luckily everything seems to be ok. The gig carries on, Ov. to a Costume Comedy, sleepy lagoon all your favourites. During Gold & Silver Richy "B" is seen playing with one hand and "fanning" the vent at the top of the keyboard and gently blowing away smoke. A slight glowing is seen eminating from the vent. Horrified string players now look around as flames come from the keyboard, Richy, little trouper that he is plays on continuing to waft away the smoke until Pete Best finally gives in and literally pulls the plug and an extinguisher is used to douse the flames.... This was Richys first gig in Fleet! Here endeth the first lesson....

MrJpig

I have never met this guy. I think I have heard of him before though. Is there a dit about him playing a bottle rack??

General Melchett

Ex Caribbean Fury '98. HMS OCEAN's first operational deployment. Scotland Band were deployed for 3 months for what should have been a great trip, but in reality ended with disaster relief in Honduras / Nicaragua after Hurricane Mitch. The wardroom wanted a smally Orch for a dinner, to which the quartet and Richy B were duly dispatched. Everything went smootly during diner. I t was on putting the kit back in our store that disaster struck once more. Bearing in mind we were at sea (I was duty Cpl) Richy stood the piano up on its end (not in its case!!) whilst he opened the door to the store. Strangely enough the ship lurched and the keyboard came crashing down just as the rest of the quartet were coming down the passageway. I got one on and told him in no uncertain terms that this was negligence and he'd better get it fixed or stand by! The next day we were due in Miami so I told him to find a place and get it repaired. This he duly did God bless him! He took the keyboard (sans case AGAIN!!) and a bike and cycled through Miami's busy streets from the docks to the centre. Now for those of you who have been to Miami this is quite a treck alon the motorway / highway. To do it on a bike, with a keyboard under your arm is suicidal. He got knocked over by a bus after cycling down the left lane wondering what the traffic was doing coming towards him! Sufice to say we were now down 1x keyboard and 1x pianist. Luckily he was ok, the keyboard broke his fall!

Co-admin

In training the CGRM (Commandant General Royal Marines) made a visit to Deal. He went to the School of Music and did the usual route by starting at the furthest building from the gate... the piano block! Richie B, newly passed out from basic, was one of the first people he visited.

CGRM: "So, how long have you been in?"
Richie: "I just passed out of basics before leave"
CGRM: " And what have you found the most difficulg thing so far?"
Richie: "Remembering rank Corporal" :smt046

CGRM and his followers made a hasty exit and some were seen to be smiling whilst other were laughing. DOM(T) was slightly red

You couldn't write it could you!!

General Melchett

Cheers for that Andy, I'd forgotten about the "bottle-a-phone!"

FOSNI Band 1994, Barry Mills was DOM. Richy was seen busily scribbling away on the bus, and singing odd little tunes. Which, even by his standards was fairly odd.
Next morning our questions were answered, Down we sat at five to nine, quick tune and ready to go. A new piece was sitting on our stands in Richy B's own fair scrawl. A "mega mix" of Roll out the Barrel, There's a tavern in the town etc..... In front of us was Richy, with a large clothes rail upon which was draped on bits of wire 24 green bottles(?) arranged chromatically Ala piano keyboard, plus for good measure some sugar glass bottles.
off we played, and Richy hit along with us on the bottles. It finished, we laughed and thought, well that's him and the Boss humoured, now back to music.... How wrong we were, the Boss took a shine to the piece and we decided to premiere it at the good old Carnegie Concert!
We played it, the chimpanzee fellow(Richy) hit along. The whole thing reaches an "hilarious"climax with an ascending chromatic run finishing on the sugar bottles being roundly and soundly broken. Obviously, our sides are aching by this stage through the sheer comedy genius of it all....!
However, give the boy his due, the old crones in the audience seemed to be rather taken by the whole spectacle, the band however were not! The piece re-appeared with alarming frequency in our gigs, and so a stand was made.......
"Somebody" changed the bottles around and replaced the sugar bottles with real ones. The gig started, the bottle-a-phone commenced and Richy was hitting the thing like a chimp on smack. However, due to the new arrangement of bottles, it was not entirely diatonic in performance, instead resembling new music of the kind Radio 3 would shy away from. When it came to the climax and the sugar bottles, Richy, now carried away in the ecstasy of live performance was hitting the substituted real bottles instead of the sugar ones, spraying the front row of the audience with glass. Now, the little fella is nothing but persistent and had to be physically dragged off the thing to avoid injuring the audience......
The bottle-a-phone was not seen of for another decade.

General Melchett

Another quick one while I'm on Richy's case.....
Horseguards 1999(?) It was one of those baking Pompey afternoons. All the southern Bands are there, brown as berries. Scotland Band by comparison are glowing like lobsters unaccustomed to the heat and sun. It was one of those rehearsals in the second week, just before everything goes right. 3 o'clock, everyone is tired, forgetting the changes from quick to slow and the dressing is bad. John O'Connell is CDM. He is hacked off and shouting, we go into a stand easy not happy. Richy B, never one for a dull moment sidles up to Jon O'C and Says...
"Drum Major, I have an Idea" Baldrick-esque in it simplicity......
"Barrriball **** off" comes the hacked off CDM's reply
"I have an idea for dressing" comes the retort from the monkey-like fellow
"If we tie a piece of string to the Bugler at each end and keep it taught, during a wheel this will ensure a good wheel....."
John O'C: "*********************************!!!"
2 x Buglers arrive at the scene to eperate the two. Calm down J O'C and remove Richy B before murder is committed.

eastney hooker

The bottle rack incident was at sheffield i think. Richie was quite happily playing away when disaster struck. The backside fell out of one of the bottles. Did richie stop? No. Like a real trooper he carried on and continued to hit the broken bottle showering some poor lady in the front row with shards of green glass. Well done rich!

Co-admin

I've got a couple but I'll hang fire on them... I'll give peeps a chance to get over the shock of the posts above before we carry on.
You couldn't write this stuff unless it was real. It doesn't get much worse, but there is more of it!

General Melchett

I do have to say that no malice is intended by these posts. Richy is pure Band Service folklore and my life would be immeasurably duller without him. These stories do, however need to be told! Over to you Deli...... and Eastney Hooker, he did used to be your section mucker!

Gaz

Further to Richy B's antics - when making the frame to hold all the bottles to play his masterpiece, he used string and wire coat hangers. Not having anything to cut the coathangers, he decided to use the guillotine in the band library, only problem with this, this bit of kit was designed to cut paper, not wire coathangers!!!!

Result: a sha**ed guillotine.

A truly Baribald moment!!

General Melchett

Gaz,

An insider? I was Libs at the time and was spitting bullets when he did that! Any other BeBop dits...?

Gaz

General Melchett

Gaz..... thinks..(Trombone?)...From near Liverpool? Did we pass your school on the way to Sealand, or have I gone and added 2 + 2 and made 5 again....

Gaz

Spot on General, went to Rochdale for Love

General Melchett

Good to see you mate, hope all is well. FOSNI Band changed completely these days, probably only 3 left from your time.

Regards,

Jos

Gaz

Cheers mate.

Only found this form last night while trawling the Net (only private time I have away from the riggors of family and work life!), so I am sure many more thoughts will come to the surface to share.

Hope all is well with life

With regards

RAB

General Melchett

All shut now Rab! So the Amantolla is no more as is the Leaping Leprechaun pub.... Sad news indeed, especially to Eastney Hooker!

RAB

eastney hooker · AMANTOLA

The Amantola closed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is there no curry god??? I am going to dig out my black tie and medals and go into a period of mourning. Why does life deliver such cruel blows? As you rightly recall General, we had some lovely meals in that fine establishment. They also had a great red wine, that i can't remember the name of, which was very lighly spiced and a bottle went down extremely well with a 3 courser.

chalkyc · Back to Rich Dits...THE PARCEL

When the infamous Baribald landed in Scotland rumours were already flowing . Nobody really believed all this could be done by one small man !! Well, 198*
a parcel arrived at HMS Cochrane. We were on high alert anyway. A keen and alert matlot heard ticking emitting from the parcel and a blue liquid seeping from the sides. The parcel was placed in the middle of the parade square and evacuations took place from nearby offices. The aforementioned matlot had read part of the name/address. Cpl Dave Babinou (percussion) RM Band Fosni was marched from his mess and interviewed about the possible contents of his parcel. After much panic and bosses doing double flips the package was again checked. Rich Baribald. A present from his dear mother. An alarm clock with battery on and tooth paste. Welcome to the band Rich !!

Bronco · Richie B ....AGAIN ( Bless him )

Picture the scene..... FOSNI band on the ranges at Arbroath (in those days you had the little brown rubber defenders that fit right inside the ear) with the first detail about to go on the firing point. A rather large hairy P.W with a booming voice standing in front having spent a good few minutes explaining the range safety brief finishes by saying "HAVE YOU ALL GOT YOUR EAR DEFENDERS." P.W observes Richie looking a bit vacant. P.W states to Richie "Is that a yes you have your ear defenders, or no you havn't got your ear defenders". Richie casually removes his ear defenders from his ears and states " SORRY CORPORAL, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I HAD MY EAR DEFENDERS IN MY EARS". ( BLESS HIM )

Sharpy

This is as up to date as you can get on the old Bebop front!!

Scotland Band have just been in Norway for a Cold Weather Survival Course, but the Bariball provided many a moment of light relief!!

First one of his infamous jokes,

Do you think Pirates did Cold Weather Training?

Shiver me timbers!! (Not really a punchline but there you go!!)

And a classic Richie B moment,

We put on our ski boots to try our snow shoes out and Rich complained his were a bit tight. One of the girls duly checked his boots and he'd put them on the wrong feet!! 39 years old and he still cant get it right!! Bless 'im!!

Richie B · JUSTICE

Whilst I consider it good for morale that so many people are having a laugh at my expense, to quote someone who once said to me "never let the truth get in the way of a good dit", there is however one exaggeration I would like rectify.

In reference to the story where I'm said to have ridden a bike in Miami whilst carrying a keyboard...I have never done the two things at once (that would just be silly) and I have an off duty Irish taxi driver as my witness (EVEN I couldn't make that up), which means I had nothing but the concrete to break my fall...OUCH!

RICHIE B

admin

Richie... you are the stuff of legend and nobody is laughing at you at all matey. You are a gem of joviality in a sea of misery at times. The sucking chest wound was a brilliant one! Not as good as me setting my head on fire though

Richie B · Jokes told to PDM

During the last Tattoo I went up to PDM and asked him

Q. What's the PDM's favourite cough sweet?
A. "TUNES"

Q. What's the PDM's favourite quick snack?
A. "QUAVERS!"

His immediate response?
"Go away Barriball"!

General Melchett

Welcome Richy!!

Hope all is well with you, it must have been odd to see that you have already made your presence felt! Nice to see you are adding your own dits too. No one is taking the mick, just saying that life would be immeasurably duller without you old man!

RAB

Hi Rich,
Welcome aboard matey...We've never met, but I seem to "know" you already...Keep them coming my man.. superb...

Aaron Aardvark

Hello Rich

Do you ever remember a time when you couldn't find your ball top??

Bronco

Hi Richie,
I remember when you played Hymns on keyboard and recorded them onto tape for mine and Jacquie's wedding back in 1995. As the wedding was in Edinburgh Castle we had to use a tape recorder as there was no room in the chapel for an organ. Everybody remarked how well you played those hymns, and i have to agree. ( No offence, but we checked the tape beforehand just in case you accidently recorded the Regimental March instead !!! ) Anyway Richie, i've a few more dit's about you somewhere. ( didn't think you would get away with it did you?

Richie B · Keep them coming

Keep the dits coming. It's funny and I'm loving it! Don't be shy just because I'm watching!

RICHIE B

Bronco

During my time with FOSNI band, Richie helped out the percussion section. For one particular concert rehearsal, he placed stands and other percussion items he had finished with, at the side of the stage blocking the Buglers entrance onto it. We didn't find this out of course until we were on the stairs marking time. During the actual concert guess what....Richie did it again. Whilst marking time on the steps, and to our frustrations, we couldn't attract Richie's attention as he was all rapped up in his performance. When we finally attracted his attention, it was crash, bang, wallop as he moved said items in order for us to get onto the stage.
What did W.C Fields say...." never work with children and animals".

FFoglamp

Richie, Hi.

Welcome to the madhouse.

We've never met or served together (I think).

However, you're a legend in your own lunch hour.

All I know is Ian Quirke once referred to you as "Dick Barton - special agent". Any significance in this ?

Richie B · Coincidence?

Sgt Ian Davis who last I knew was doing his bandmaster's course described me as a legend in my own lunchtime as well! This past week I've arranged "Thank You for the Music" for Shobna Gulati (Sinita from Coronation Street) to sing with us and I've had a couple of arrangements used in Tattoo and the Albert Hall so things atre looking up!

MrJpig · Re: Coincidence?

FFoglamp

No. Can't you read propellery ?

It says Frank Sinita

Richie B · OOPS!

Oops...accidentally hit the t when I pressed r. Sorry!

Hornblower

bootybandy

Oooohh, personal info on the magical one. Do you know who he is Stu, well do ya?

Aaron Aardvark

Wooly pully??? what wooly pully??? I didn't have one.......some swine teafed it.

Probably left it under that banquette in Gib....you know the one with the loose screws that worked themselves loose that night after a particularly heavy session.

Richie B · Wooly pully and ball tops

Wooly pully and ball tops? I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on! (get it?). No I don't remember so please remind me!

Co-admin

Not you Rich, Hornblower.
Aaron was a prolific proffer of ball tops at fleet band, in fact, anywhere

Hornblower

FFoglamp

Know what you mean Stu. I did 12 Gib trips with fleet and fof3. remember them well, but all the trips merge into one ( that would be some P.U ?). Couldn't tell you which year or line up was which, but sounds like Aaron Aardvark was lurking there somewhere.

Could do a Gib quiz ? See what he knows ?

Second thoughts, he might know TOO much

Hornblower

True mucker, too bloody true!

bootybandy

God knows how many times I visited Gib, but I ended up behind bars twice!!! Once with Goldy and once with Gilly! I suppose I'll have to try and think of someone senior in the band at the time when the phot that Stu posted was taken, and try and figure out a connection between FOSNI and then. Hmmmm very interesting.

General Melchett

There are plenty of Scotland Band "lurkers" on this thread that outed themselves to me at a Carnegie last week - You know who you are!!
Start posting the stories you told me.................

Richie B · Can't wait

Can't wait!

Bronco

Gib....Hmmm, i remember getting P****D there when i was ships Bugler on HMS ANTRIM in'79. ( tasted pussers rum for the first time). I was staggering back to the ship towing around 50ft of boat rope which was attached to my left foot. a large Gib Copper told me to take it back to where i got it from or get arrested.
" Where i asked"? I couldn't remember where i got it from or how it got wrapped around my foot. I ended up staggering back managing to get rid of the copper somehow? and ended up dumping it in someone's backyard. A true Bulger moment.

Richie B · Gib

Hey, if you want to talk about Gib, then why not start up a new conversation topic...what a novel idea! (more me please...sounds like a sound check!)...(tongue in cheek!).

FFoglamp

Oops . sorry Rich. We've sort of hijacked your room.

So, more Barriball on here please.

I'll leave it to the next poster..............

chalkyc · Almost had a cracker...

Was gigging with Rich B last weekend and looking everywhere for fresh dits.

When we arrived at the venue there was no sign of Rich B and the guests were still tucking into their food. The mobile goes with a text:

"Set up in McDonalds".

Well I thought let me get to the computer and write about this one. Of course what he meant was set up and gone to McDonalds.

More gigs to come....

Richie B · Fiction

The text was sent to Mark and it read:

"Gear already set up. Now in McDonalds."

The full stop would not have been verbalised!

Co-admin

Just like the man who was hung by a comma!

Set up. In McDonalds.
Set up in McDonalds.
Same words, one full stop, different meanings.

Comfortably Numb

Before dear Ritchie joined FOSNI he stayed a while at Lympstone. Whist there he went to Norway to endure CTC bands arctic Arctic Survival training. The excersise included an NBC in the snow routine - oh what fun!
We drew the kit and were given brand new NBC suits (remember that, its important)

On the first day "in the field" (insert minus 15 and lots of snow) we were yomping along for what seems like yards when Ritchie took off his gloves. We noticed that one of his hands was blue. Really blue, with white fingertips to boot (for those that are interested their called demarkation lines!). Fearing the first case of Pianists frostbite Jim Rider instantly went into one of his mini whirlwinds and the said hand was inserted into everybodys armpit and crotch to warm it up. This didn't help so Ritchie was CASEVACed out back to camp. On arriving at sickbay his combats were taken off to let the warm in and thats when the MA Scablifter noticed the four elastic bands around his wrist. The bands were removed and normal blood flow was resumed. Ritchie, had removed the elastic bands from the packs that wrapped his new NBC suite and popped them on his wrist just like every good band librarian told him to do when handing out march cards!!

Priceless.

Pastie was casivaced out the following night too but thats another story!!

Hey Nonny · Choice Gems

Hey nonny nonny, greetings pop pickers! Here are some gems that come back to me through the mists of time:

On arriving at Deal train station for New Entry training, the little nugget of fun phones the guardroom and utters the following immortal lines to the duty corporal: "we're here." No other explanation, nothing. Response from irate Cpl?

It was so loud it could be heard by the other new entries standing near the phone box. And so began an illustrious career in causing mayhem, misery and mirth in equal amounts.

Be Bop was asked to go and fetch something out of John Hill's car. Returns with broken key in hand and no item. He'd been trying to get into the wrong car and snapped the key off in the other car in the process.

Result? Not one but two shagged cars. Easy mistake to make.

Mess dinner at CTC. Spot the piano player wearing white socks. Who hasn't done that on a gig?

Also at CTC, the dyspraxic one was asked to draw a Corps Pattern kilt when news of a draft to FOSNI band came through. Well, who wouldn't fall for that one?

The Be Bop is playing his own arrangement for band of Tico Tico out front as a solo. Forgets his solo part mid solo. Of his own arrangement. Could happen to anyone.

FOSNI band Mili trg with Commacchio Group in early 90s; one night in the accommodation block a big scrap between booties and bandies breaks out, the cheeky one was politely asked to seek assistance by the gallant bandies trying to hold back the hordes literally beating down the door: "Rich, climb out of the window and get help", "No, I'll get hurt" - said he hiding under a bed as punches are getting exchanged with the baying mob outside and things are about to get very nasty, a la Assault on Precinct 13.

Anyway, biff bang pow ensues. The final score? The band manage to snatch a respirator from one of the assailants, so I guess the band won on that occasion. Don't try this at home kids!

Oh the list is endless. More memoirs please.

Hornblower · Re: Choice Gems

ROFLMFHO.

Wish I'd met the geezer!

Hey Nonny · The chosen one...

Group of schoolgirls standing outside the tour bus, one of them points to Him and says to the rest 'look, they have a monkey in their band'.

And they weren't wrong.

This really happened and can be corroborated by someone who was talking to them at the time (and probably trying to get their phone numbers).

Name the band, the year, and the tour to win a night out for two

with Richie B.

General Melchett

I'm not saying anything, other than........ It is sometimes important to check your change lever whilst carrying out ISP's!

Eff · BARRIBALL!!!

Does that mean they've let him go shooting this week?

Do they never learn?!!

General Melchett

Yes Eff, some people never learn do they?

Unsupervised also! Although, on the second serial he was "sandwiched" between a certain Welsh CSgt and myself - with orders that if the weapon was not pointing down the range and ever strayed near us he may take a "tumble".

RAB

Eff · BARRIBALL!!!!!

Can you see "The whites of their eyes" on a figure 11 target?!

Melchy singing Men of Harlech might be amusing though!

General Melchett

Not at the 300m point in Barry Budden with the sleet coming in sideways mate!

A bit like your high jinks at Tregantal (sp) last week?

Baaaaaaaaaaass

Ah, the memories of Sharpy going a funny shade of purple during a dance band rig up and threatening to ram his guitar into an un-specified oraface on Richie B's person for continuously suggesting his chord voicing was wrong.
E minor, Sharpy!!!!

Baaaaaaaaaaass

Quite why still pic was floating around my PC, I'll never know:

Answers on the back of a £50 note to the usual address.....

General Melchett

Bloody hell, that medication must be strong G.C. you've got issues, and I'm not talking about your back!

Baaaaaaaaaaass

Just be gratefull I didn't post the one from Skeggers with his bahookie hanging out of the Village People outfit!

General Melchett

Oh good God no!

Baaaaaaaaaaass

Even the wastebasket spat it out!

I had to wipe my PC and re-install Windows!

eastneyslapper

Baaaaaaaaaaass

He sent me a text last week telling me he'd read a book that said my slipped discs were all in my mind and it was my brain telling me that I had issues or something.

I don't need a book to tell me I've got issues, but that's another thread......

BARRIBALL!!!!!

AMANTOLA

Back to Rich Dits...THE PARCEL

Richie B ....AGAIN ( Bless him )

JUSTICE

Jokes told to PDM

Keep them coming

Coincidence?

Re: Coincidence?

OOPS!

Wooly pully and ball tops

Can't wait

Gib

Almost had a cracker...

Fiction

Choice Gems

Re: Choice Gems

The chosen one...

BARRIBALL!!!

BARRIBALL!!!!!